


I Can Give You Memories

by Sinine



Category: Eyeshield 21
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Apathy, Depersonalization, Friendship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Rating May Change, Really Good Friends, Slow Build, but for now i'll leave it as it is, like Kuroki and Togano are such good friends, this is going to have a lot more stuff, to build the suspense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-09 23:45:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5560504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sinine/pseuds/Sinine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We notice when our body gets sick. Because of that we go to the doctor to immediately get a diagnosis and then go buy medicine to get better.</p><p>With our minds it's another matter, though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm Watching Myself

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't posted any fanfiction online in years. This is my redebut, I guess.  
> It's going to be a long hard ride, though. But bear with me, please, I'm a slow updater.
> 
> English isn't my first language, so there will definitely be some language oddities. I also have no beta, so...

**Friday**

 

It was a sweltering Friday afternoon.

 

The sun was obnoxiously hot and it didn't help Juumonji feel any better than he had felt for the past few weeks now. His mind was sluggish and slow and he wasn't really sure how he was doing any of the training regime Kurita had given him. He just simply went through the motions without realizing what he was doing, and yet time seemed to be moving at half speed. He was so out of it that he didn't even notice Hiruma in front of him until he almost literally walked into the blond's gun. Stupid move on his part really – usually the linemen were out of Hiruma’s way since Kurita was the one guiding them.

 

"What the fuck are you doing?" Hiruma’s voice was deceptively calm, as he pushed against the former delinquent’s jersey with his gun.

 

What?

 

"You tackle as if your life doesn't depend on it, fucker. How the fuck are we going to win any games with you tackling like a five year old?!" As if Hiruma could ever stay calm long enough to not start shouting within the first two minutes in a conversation.

 

Juumonji felt annoyed at himself for the poor effort he was putting into his training, knew that Hiruma was right about his accusation, and still some kind of irrational anger of his was directed at Hiruma. Maybe for the fact that the team captain’s voice was really loud and grating, maybe because Hiruma just generally irritated him.

 

As he straightened up to face Hiruma head on he saw Kuroki and Togano pause their own training to observe their interaction, attentively listening in on them. It was comforting to know that they would be by his side if things were to get messy.

 

"Sorry, I'll try better next time." Juumonji felt like a broken record from how many times he had said that exact sentence the past few weeks. However, he felt like saying anything else would result in an argument and that just sounded exhausting.

 

He knew even before Hiruma whipped out his biggest gun that he was wearing on the quarterback's thin patience. "You're slacking you dried shitstain." It was stated as a fact. "Do you require some incentive, fucking ha-ha brother?! And what the hell are you looking at?" He let loose a few rounds at Kuroki and Togano, who frantically dodged the bullets, but didn't go back to training. Hiruma scoffed at them, indicating he was going to deal with them right after Juumonji, and turned back to his initial target.

 

Juumonji prided himself in the fact that during the time he'd been in the American Football club he'd started to grow used to Hiruma's constant abuse and violence. So when Hiruma raised his gun at him, he didn't really feel scared by it.

 

Kuroki and Togano appeared by his side before Hiruma could start shooting at their friend. "Come on Juumonji, practice is almost over," Togano said, keeping himself firmly in front of him, pulling on his arm to keep him away from the resident devil.

 

Kuroki on the other hand turned to glare at Hiruma. "Hey, lay off him okay?! It’s so hot outside and none of us can train right with this kind of heat, so it’s no surprise we’re making mistakes! What's your damage, huh?! Instead of screaming at us to do better-" Kuroki didn’t even get to finish his rant as Hiruma’s expression clouded over in anger and the next thing Juumonji knew he was being dragged away by Togano, leaving Kuroki to deal with the violent blond.

 

"Hey, you okay?" Togano asked once they were out of their captain's earshot.

 

"Yeah, I'm fine, why?" Juumonji asked, confused by the concern.

 

Togano's expression looked thoughtful for a second, before he grinned. "You still coming to the arcade today, right? I wanna get some new mangas from the nearby shop anyway."

 

Juumonji looked down at the ground awkwardly. He didn't really feel like going. He liked being with his friends, but lately he just felt so tired after training that a warm bed sounded like the best thing in the world. Besides, they interacted enough as it was during their practice. "I don't know, Toga. Can we do it some other time? I feel like I'm going to be really tired after training and just wanna go to bed early tonight."

 

Togano's expression fell and Juumonji felt like punching himself in the face. Before he thought up an adequate apology, Togano nodded, "That's okay, dude. There's one bookshop on the way home anyway." He grinned and gave the other linebacker a one armed side hug. Juumonji relaxed at the hug and glanced briefly away to see how their other friend was doing.

 

Kuroki was running laps like his life depended on it, while Hiruma was shooting at his feet to keep him going even faster. He was probably going to be at it for a while today.

 

Juumonji extracted himself from the hug and, with Togano in tow, went back to the lineman practice, where Kurita was watching him worriedly. The smaller boy appreciated the concern, but felt too tired to explain anything, so he just avoided the other’s gaze. Surprisingly Kurita kept his mouth shut.

 

The rest of the training continued on as if his mind were in a haze. By the time they were all winding down by throwing a few balls or stretching (except for Kuroki who was still running laps, Hiruma having exchanged his bullets with Cerberos, who was now chasing the boy), Juumonji felt exhausted.

 

He went inside the clubhouse and began undressing in the locker rooms, recognizing his teammates’ chatter and laughter as something routine. Monta’s and Taki’s voices, who were the loudest in their group, carried on into the showers, while Juumonji was still trying to peel off his pants. By the time he was fully undressed and gotten his towel out the fastest people in their team were already coming out of the shower.

 

It was ridiculous how lazy he had recently gotten. He hated himself for not just snapping himself out of this weird funk, but he wasn't quite sure how to go about it, or how his teammates dealt with the same things he did and were still so functional. Because it wasn’t like anything special had happened recently that made him feel like this, he was going through all the same teenage bullshit everyone else was and still it seemed like everyone else was somehow coping a lot better than he was.

 

God, he was exhausted. Walking into the showers Juumonji rubbed his eyes until he could see spots behind his eyelids, feeling only slightly better for the brief pain it gave him, for it cleared his head a bit.

 

Sleepy and tired were the two other adjectives he could now describe himself as. In fact, no matter how much sleep he actually got, it never seemed enough to make him feel as refreshed as he used to be. It was his fault, though, as he stayed up until ungodly hours of the early morning, sometimes thinking about inane shit, sometimes playing on his phone. And when he went to school the first instinct was to catch up with his sleep, as he placed his bag underneath his head and slept through most of his classes.

 

Togano and Kuroki were beginning to notice something was wrong with him. After all, it’s been weeks already. He wished they would have some clue as to what was wrong with him or how to get everything back to normal, but he was pretty sure his friends would be as clueless about this as him. He entertained the possibility of asking Hiruma what to do, but realized the captain would most likely cure whatever it was he had with a tommy gun. Asking Mamori seemed like a smart idea, but he didn’t want to bother the manager with his problems if he could avoid it. She had a lot on her plate as it was already. His problems weren’t significant enough to involve other team members of the sports club yet.

 

Juumonji turned the shower off, not even remembering showering and yet he was obviously just cleaned. He noticed absently how his fingers were pruned and how he was the last one in the showers, but chased those thoughts away and dried himself off with his towel. Tying it around his waist he walked out into the locker rooms again. Togano was already showered and dressed, and was sitting on a bench conversing with Kuroki, who was still in his training garb. The brunet looked really tired, probably from the amount of training he'd had to do because of today. Juumonji knew it was impossible, but he felt as tired as Kuroki looked.

 

"Hey, you okay?" Kuroki asked him once he came close enough.

 

Some kind of weird déjà-vu hit him, but he brushed it off. "Yeah, I'm fine, why?" He was facing his locker, pulling on his clothes, so he didn't see his friends' expressions, but when they didn't say anything for a while, the blond turned around to stare at them.

 

They glanced at each other briefly, before Kuroki slapped on a grin so fake Juumonji wondered what animal had crawled up his anus and died. He was about to ask that same question, before the brunet said, “Seesh Kazu-chan, I just finished my laps and come in to see you’ve been in the showers for hours. What were you doing in there, huh?” He had a teasing tone, but Juumonji wondered if he really believed he’d just beat one off for hours.

 

"I... I've got a lot on my mind, that's all." Juumonji said as he pulled his shirt over his head, too exhausted to give neither an explanation nor a lie. He finished putting on the rest of his clothes and closed his locker, turning to them. "You gonna shower or what?" he asked Kuroki.

 

The other groaned dramatically and began taking off his football gear. Juumonji sat down on the bench in place of Kuroki as he went to the showers. He and Togano waited in silence, only hearing the shower running through the door. This sort of silence was soothing for his sluggish brain and Juumonji slumped forward, holding himself up by placing his elbows on his knees.

 

He felt exhausted. He wasn't sure where all of his stamina had gone that he'd worked so hard on getting during the Death March, but for some reason he tired more easily lately. It was a problem, though, especially with his football practices. Hiruma was getting cranky at his laziness and there was nothing he could do to stop the inevitable explosion, either literal or figurative, when Hiruma had finally had enough.

 

Not only that, but his grades had been slipping more and more lately. Not that he was particularly dumb at any one subject, but his slacking off usually kept him from achieving really high grades. The past couple of weeks, however, his concentration was even more lacking than before. Sleeping during classes more often than not and failing tests left and right he was surprised he was actually doing worse than he did back when he was a delinquent when he rarely ever even attended school.

 

A door slammed shut somewhere and Juumonji jumped, noticing how Kuroki was already out of the shower and getting himself dressed in front of him. He briefly wondered how time had flown by so fast, before seeing their devil of a captain appear from behind the corner. The blond wasn’t looking at them, though, as he sauntered off to his office, eyes glued to the notes in his hands.

 

Right. The Fall Tournament was just around the corner, of course he’s focused on that. Which is what he should be doing, too.

 

Kuroki got dressed shortly and the three walked out of the clubhouse without so much as a goodbye to their captain.

 

“Why do I get the feeling that Hiruma’s going to kill us come Monday?” Togano muttered as they walked off towards their homes. They were all in the same direction anyway, so walking home together was a habit by now.

 

“Because we dared rise up against his holiness,” Kuroki was still sore about his extra laps apparently. “I swear we need to overthrow that fucking tyrant one day. Do you think hiring a professional assassin would cost much?”

 

“I have a feeling Hiruma is more than adept at hunting down a professional killer. I kind of think there’s no better assassin in the world than Hiruma himself.” Juumonji replied dejectedly. He would give anything to see a showdown between Hiruma and an actual assassin though.

 

“Ruin my daydream why don’t ya, huh?” Kuroki grumbled, stretching out his shoulders with an almost painful sounding crack. “Well, at least it’s Friday and we can go to the arcade finally!”

 

Ah.

 

“I don’t feel like going today.”

 

Juumonji blinked. Togano had said that.

 

Kuroki raised an eyebrow at Togano and the two shared some kind of weird stare, before they both turned to Juumonji. Okay, this was creepy.

 

“Listen, Juumonji, we need to talk.” Togano said as he and Kuroki slowed down to a stop. Juumonji stopped as well. His friends both shared another glance and Juumonji felt like he was being left out on an inside joke.

 

“I- We…” Kuroki was struggling with his words. Finally after a couple more false starts he sighed. “Look Kazu, you haven’t been yourself lately. And we’ve become kind of- sort of- like, we’re worried. So, what’s happening, man?” Kuroki and Togano both looked at the older teen expectantly.

 

Juumonji felt overwhelmed for a second. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to answer since he had no idea what exactly was wrong with him. Then, slowly, something started to nag at the back of his brain, so he tackled that and answered his best guess. “I think I’m stressed. Maybe that’s why.”

 

It was logical actually now that he really thought about it. Stress fucked with your sleeping habits and not enough sleep made you tired. Everything else he felt and did could all be chalked up to stress as well. It was so simple that it baffled him he hadn’t thought of it earlier.

 

His friends looked surprised, before grins took on both their faces. “Well,” Kuroki began. “One way we used to relieve stress was to beat up nerds or go pick fights with other gangs. You feeling like going back to our old roots?” He cracked his knuckles for emphasis.

 

Juumonji actually thought about it, before replying. “Yeah, maybe I need to do that.” Getting rid of this annoying fog in his head would be worth having to sacrifice one day of going to bed early. “Actually, let’s do it now!” He actually felt inspired and motivated for the first time in such a long while that he was almost beside himself with joy. Already adrenalin flowed into his veins and he felt like he could run faster and longer than he had back at the football practice.

 

“Uhh, maybe rain check though,” Kuroki grimaced. “I can’t really feel my legs after that hell Hiruma put me through. I wouldn’t be much help in a fight.”

 

Juumonji felt a bit deflated at that, but perked up considerably when Togano suggested they do it on Sunday instead. Kuroki was fine with that and so was he.

 

“Why are you stressed anyway? Is it because of the games we’ve been getting?” Togano asked when they began walking again. “I mean, the last few games have been harsh and Hiruma’s training regime has gotten even more hellish, so I don’t blame you. But this has been going on for a month now, so―”

 

“Wait what?” Juumonji interrupted suddenly. “I don’t remember it being that long.”

 

Kuroki piped up at that. “Well, yeah, you’ve been kind of… withdrawn for a month or so now. You’ve looked really tired too. And your grades…” Kuroki’s gaze wandered away for a second, before settling back on Juumonji. “Look Kazu, I’m not someone to talk about this given my own grades, but if this keeps up you’re not going to be allowed to be on the team anymore. And I’m pretty sure Hiruma wouldn’t like that.”

 

Juumonji’s face fell at that ― no, Hiruma wouldn’t like that at all. And what Hiruma didn’t like, no one liked.

 

Kuroki placed a comforting hand on Juumonji’s upper arm, smiling reassuringly. “But hey, I can help you with whatever classes you need help with. Well, whatever I’m good at anyway. Well, music classes anyway. You’ve always been better in most classes than us, so I’m not sure we’d be qualified tutors or anything. Still, we can help you relieve your stress by coming along and picking fights with gangs.”

 

Juumonji felt his chest swell almost painfully with emotions, feeling like he wasn’t in control of his feelings anymore. “You guys…” He said not even knowing how to finish that sentence, feeling so grateful he didn’t know how to truly express himself.

 

“Just buy me some manga and we’re even.” Togano grinned, interpreting Juumonji’s thoughts accurately.

 

151

 

Juumonji threw his schoolbag just anywhere in his room once he got home, glad he was alone in the house. Dad was at work and wouldn’t be coming back until late evening. Right now the sun was setting but it was still up, washing his room in a lazy golden glow. True to what he’d said to his friends he wanted to go to bed as soon as he got home, exhausted from the long day in school and the practice afterwards. It wasn’t like this was anything new to him ― he’d been taking afternoon naps for a week or so now, not able to resist the temptation of a bed after another exhausting day.

 

The blond lineman went to bed, throwing just his jacket on a chair, before moving under the covers, clothes and all. He was just going to take a small nap anyway, and he’d never really cared if his clothes weren’t ironed and straight.

 

The next time he woke up his room was completely dark and he laid still in his bed for a while, just enjoying the warmth. He shuffled for the phone in his pockets in the dark and flipped it open, eyes beginning to water immediately from the brightness of the phone screen. It was late enough for his dad to be home, but not late enough for him to be in bed yet, so Juumonji got up and finally changed his clothes. As he did that he went to his computer at the table.

 

He surfed the internet for a while, not really sure what exactly he wanted to do. He went to a few social sites he used to frequent more periodically, but couldn’t muster up the motivation to do much of anything except check people’s profiles. After that he looked up a few games to play online but he closed those as soon as they finished loading, already bored before he’d even played them. He couldn’t for the life of him think of what he used to like doing on the internet or why it had once taken up so much of his time when he’d first gotten it.

 

He closed the computer in frustration and sat still for a long while, thoughts jumping from one to the other so fast he barely had time to grasp what they were about. There was some kind of hollow feeling growing in his chest, like he’s been living in a dream and his body was sleeping in the real world. He barely felt like he was in control of his body anymore, as if he were looking in on someone else inhabiting his body.

 

He didn’t know how long the feeling lasted, but when he finally caught himself he felt weird to be inhabiting his own body. Shivering, he convinced himself that that feeling had been just a combination of stress and hunger, and walked downstairs to the kitchenette.

 

His father was watching the news on TV and Juumonji knew he was going to go to bed soon. Checking the fridge for food he felt slightly weary when he saw there wasn’t anything filling contained within. Not surprising since he was the cook in the house, because his dad was usually too busy with work.

 

Juumonji ended up making a plate of sandwiches to take back upstairs.

 

“You were at home today, Kazuki? Sleeping the day away again?”

 

Juumonji grit his teeth in annoyance, but ignored his dad, not giving in to the temptation of lashing out at the older man.

 

“Did you meet up with your friends today?” The question wasn’t anything bad in and of itself, but the tone implied everything that was left unsaid. _Were you out with that trash again, picking fights and ruining government property? Were you being a useless member of society again instead of picking yourself a career to focus on? Are you trash like them?_

 

Juumonji tore his gaze away, anger clouding his mind. He knew that his father always blamed his best friends for all the bad decisions he chose, and so far he hadn’t been able to convince the older man otherwise. And it fucking _hurt_. It hurt so bad that the only people he wanted to talk to and spend time with were scorned and accused of pulling him along with their plans. And then he, who was also part of the trio, was praised and coddled as if he had done nothing wrong.

 

Juumonji walked back upstairs into his room. He spent a long while texting his friends and when they went to bed the lineman stayed up until 4am thinking of inane stuff or generally just feeling pity for himself like a fucking useless member of society. Like he and Togano and Kuroki. Because they were useless, but at least they were useless together.


	2. Drifting Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A good start to an otherwise horrid week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters will be going by days and as such some days may have little happening in them, whilst some will have a lot. Depending on the day the chapters will be either short or long. Sometimes I skip days all together. Just a warning.

**Monday**

 

When the alarm started blaring at 7 am to indicate he had to wake up and get dressed for school Juumonji awoke feeling more refreshed than he’d felt in weeks. For once he had fallen asleep as soon as he hit the bed last night, something that was rare as of late.

 

The lineman sat up and went to the bathroom to relieve himself. While there he glimpsed himself in the mirror and saw his bruised jaw and arms from yesterday’s fight. He huffed out a sound that was reminiscent of a laugh, remembering how Kuroki and Togano had arrived at his doorstep yesterday, both carrying metal bats, with grins that left no mistake of what they were waiting for.

 

It had been so satisfying to beat up a really annoying gang that roamed the streets. Even the pain of getting hit was worth it for it felt like he was truly alive for once. If he was honest with himself the pain was what kept him grounded in reality, tugged him away from the spiral of self-pity he’d been in, and reminded him that _he_ was in control of his own body, of his emotions.

 

He dressed up in his school uniform and went down to make some breakfast and coffee for himself. He was glad his dad left later than him which meant he woke up later and they wouldn’t have to exchange ‘pleasantries’ before school. He and his dad hadn’t really been close since he began associating with Kuroki and Togano, and honestly, the way the older man talked about his best friends Juumonji didn’t really miss having a heart-to-heart with his father anyway.

 

The blond lineman ended up eating about half of the sandwich he’d made himself before putting the rest in the fridge, assuring himself he’d finish it later when he got home from school. He gulped down the coffee and rushed out of the house, schoolbag in hand, not wishing to stay around in case his dad decided to wake up earlier today.

 

The walk to school was solitary today. Usually he and his friends met up to walk the distance together, but on some occasions they tread the way on different times when one or two of them decided to be late to school. Today was the first time in weeks Juumonji was walking the road to school alone, and on time at that. He felt proud of himself for waking up on time. In fact, he felt better than he had in a long while. He guessed it had to do with what had happened yesterday. Speaking of, he was really itching for a repeat of that fight next weekend, figuring it was what he needed if he wanted to experience even a semblance of normalcy anymore.

 

Weird thing about his situation was, on top of being stressed from nothing discernible, his moods were prone to switch every day at the drop of a hat. At times he felt apathetic towards most anything that was going on, even football games themselves, and at other times he got panicky and frustrated at the simplest of words from his father. It wouldn’t normally bother him much, but once his apathy left him the emotions tended to hit him all at once, like a punch in the gut, and make him feel overwhelmed. And feeling overwhelmed would, more often than not, make tears of frustration well up in his eyes, something that had never happened before in his life. Something he didn’t want anyone else to see. Something even he himself didn’t want to see.

 

Juumonji didn’t know when was the last time he’d _actually_ cried, but he was proud for the fact that he couldn’t remember it.

 

When he got to class he sat at his usual spot at the back of the room, noticing his friends were absent. Doubtless they would be late, especially considering how much Kuroki loved to sleep in. Togano would probably appear sooner rather than later.

 

Some of his classmates kept staring at him, whispering to each other. It was presumably because of the visible bruises on his face. He ignored the others though, it wasn’t their business.

 

From the front of the classroom Sena kept glancing at him worriedly, which irritated the blond lineman momentarily – pity was the last thing he needed right now. Doing anything to seem bored and antisocial, he tried to ward off other people. The blond wasn’t up to talking with anyone besides his best friends right now.

 

It looked like Sena was trying to come to terms with whether or not to confront him about something, as he fidgeted in his seat. Despite growing bolder since he became part of the football club, the small brunet still had some trouble dealing with Juumonji and his friends at times. Although he admired the running back, the lineman just hoped the boy didn’t find that extra courage somewhere inside of him at this moment.

 

The bell rang and the blond let out a shuddering breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. Even as the class finally quieted down and the teacher came in to begin the lessons, Juumonji could still catch Sena occasionally glancing at him from the front of the classroom. The blond huffed in annoyance and decided to take notes during the lecture, just to get his mind off of his teammate.

 

Halfway through the class Togano appeared, late, and giving his friend a grin Juumonji started to feel more relaxed as the day went on. He shared his notes with the other and gave a few tips, helping his friend get on track of things he had missed.

 

It’s not that they didn’t study back when Juumonji wasn’t this lazy, but Kuroki was the one who usually kept them occupied by fooling around in class, and so of course the other two usually just played along. The few times Kuroki was either absent or silent, they took and shared notes like the rest of the class, helping each other in subjects one or the other disliked. They even cheated on tests together, which usually increased the chances of getting caught by the teacher, but they never cared enough to stop.

 

Classes came and went by slowly and Juumonji kept himself occupied during breaks to deter Sena from approaching him. He still didn’t want to talk with the boy, knowing already that he was probably worried about him, and now Togano, seeing as the other had bruises all over his face and arms as well.

 

It wasn’t until lunchbreak that Sena tried anything, seemingly having caught his courage.

 

So when Juumonji was ready to leave the class for lunch with Togano, he almost ran into the small running back, who was waiting in front of him, fidgeting with his hands. He had grown to fidget less and less as he’d spent time in the football club, but it was still a nervous habit that raised its head whenever he didn’t really know what to do. Juumonji wasn’t really in the mood to deal with the concern the boy seemed to radiate towards him, without even saying anything, and yet he didn’t want to scare the boy away either. He still felt bad for bullying the kid as he had back when school just started. Best to just try and brush it gently under the rug.

 

Sena seemed to get his thoughts in order for he stopped fidgeting with his hands and placed them politely behind his back. The blond kept staring at the shorter boy impassively, waiting,  while Togano was staring at them both quizzically.

 

Sena finally asked the question that seemed to come out of everyone’s mouths these few days, “How are you, Juumonji?”

 

Even if the location weren’t a classroom half filled with other students, Juumonji wouldn’t have answered anything short of “I’m fine”, which he did. It wasn’t that he felt what he said, or didn’t trust Sena enough to answer truthfully, or even their location, but rather that he felt like him whining about his problems would be counterproductive for his worrywart of a classmate. Sena had his own fair share of responsibilities to tend to, least of which was having to anchor his team’s hopes and winning chances. And besides, whining was just wasteful and weak. “I’m feeling better than I have in a long while, in fact,” he tried reassuring the other.

 

Sena glanced briefly at his and Togano’s bruises, before asking softly, “Did you get into a fight?”

 

Juumonji glanced away for a moment, feeling uncomfortable talking about this. He didn’t want to discuss this with anyone else except Kuroki and Togano.

 

“Yeah, we won though, so it’s all good,” answered Togano for him.

 

_Thank you Lord for people like Toga in my life._

 

Sena still wasn’t done though. “You’ve seemed a bit down lately, did something happen?”

 

Juumonji frowned, “No. Guess I’m just stressed about some stuff.” Okay, now he wished the other would leave already. This line of questioning was becoming too personal for his liking.

 

Sena seemed to realize his presence wasn’t welcome, though he seemed reluctant to go away either. Finally, after a small eternity he asked, “See you at practice, then?”

 

“Sure.” Juumonji answered nonchalantly and the brunet went back to his own seat.

 

The interaction had been surreal and it didn’t really leave Juumonji’s mind even as he and Togano made their way to the rooftop for lunch. They ate chips and drank soda, which wasn’t really food even, but it beat eating the slop they served in school. When lunch ended Juumonji realized he felt a bit tired already from the day.

 

Halfway through the next class Kuroki appeared, bedhead still apparent and a huge yawn on his face. Kuroki began chatting almost immediately about this or that, not caring whether his voice was distracting other students. The teachers never really dared to point them out anyway, even before they joined the American football club, where the notorious Hiruma resided in.

 

Juumonji took a few more notes in that class, but coupled with his exhaustion and Kuroki’s chattering, he was too distracted to pay attention anymore.

 

The teacher assigned the class a test for Wednesday.

 

151

 

When classes ended for the day, the trio of best friends made their way to the football clubroom, bags slung over their shoulders casually. Juumonji just kept thinking how he wished he could fast forward time until he was at home taking a nap already.

 

Still, he figured he could get through this day – this week – just fine. He had gotten so far, he can go even farther. And if he couldn’t, then, well, it would just reaffirm his father’s thoughts about him. If push came to shove, he could always find a job at a construction company and slave away in the hot sun.

 

The clubroom was abuzz just like always. It felt more suffocating than usual though, so Juumonji quickly went to his locker and started changing his clothes. He was dressed and outside in record time this month.

 

Hiruma was analyzing some kind of strategy with Kurita over at the spot they usually practiced their linemen duties, so Juumonji started stretching where he was, trying to prolong going over to them. He didn’t necessarily hate Hiruma, but he didn’t actively seek out the other either, because more often than not the other was in a bad mood. He wasn’t terrified of their captain like Sena, though. He kind of felt nothing for the other teen, which was a little surprising considering how the other had blackmailed him into the club. Then again, he also felt nothing for most of his teammates these days.

 

The blond teen grunted when he felt someone collide with his backside and he turned to stare at the person. It was Komusubi, glaring at Juumonji as always. A small smirk appeared on the shorter boy’s mouth, the way he usually tried to rile up Juumonji and his friends.

 

The blond lineman waited for the spike of anger to hit him and for him to chase after the kid like always, but the tiredness he felt clouded his frustration too much to do anything about it.

 

Huh…

 

He didn’t say anything and went back to doing his stretches, ignoring Komusubi who was back to glaring at him. He heard his friends coming out the clubroom and join him in the stretches. Komusubi tried to rile them up too, but Juumonji just took a hold of Kuroki’s sleeve and tiredly said, “Let’s just get this over with.” After that Kuroki wasn’t distracted by Komusubi anymore, but more focused on the practice, as it went into full swing when Sena and the others finally arrived.

 

Although his body went on auto-pilot halfway through the practice, it went by quicker than it had on Friday. Still, his power and usual energy seemed to be locked up somewhere deep inside him and he had seemingly forgotten the key at home. He wondered what would take for him to unlock his power again. The answer was somewhere hidden underneath a thin sheet of fog in him that he could not for the life of him uncover.

 

Doing the last stretches of the day with the others Juumonji’s mind flickered on and off constantly, exhausted from the day, before he went on auto-pilot again. His mind empty of thoughts he heard how Hiruma was shooting bullets everywhere, Cerberos was barking somewhere madly, Monta and the Takis were yelling something or other, everyone else were excited about the end of the day.

 

There was something scratching very irritatingly against his hands and it took a while for him to realize it was his gloves. He took them off, staring at his hands as he did so. They looked fine, but they didn’t feel like his own. He put the gloves back on, but the itch persisted now that he had acknowledged it.

 

The sun was too hot and too bright. Had it always been like this? Why hadn’t he noticed it before? It was overbearing and tiring to be training under it today, for some inexplicable reason.

 

_‘I don’t want to be here,’_ were his first thoughts in what felt like hours. His already sluggish movements slowed down to a halt and he turned away from the others, stalking off to the clubroom, not waiting for the gunshot indicating the end of their training. He didn’t care if Hiruma came and murdered him right now, he needed to get away from there, them, _everything._

 

The clubroom was, unsurprisingly, empty since the others were still outside doing their stretches. Juumonji took the moment to revel in the silence that was inside the room, wondering briefly if Hiruma had installed sound-proof walls. He dragged himself out of the blissful silence to peel his sticky clothes off himself ― he didn’t feel like showering with the others today. He’d had enough of his teammates for today, thank you very much.

 

Washing the day’s grime away felt refreshing in a way that a full night’s sleep wasn’t. His brain kickstarted underneath the torrent of water and the sluggishness fell away, even if for this one instant, so he quickly cleaned himself up. The blond had just tied his towel to his hips when he heard the faint sound of a door slamming outside the showers and the sounds of his teammates talking animatedly.

 

Feeling better than he had before, Juumonji went out the showers to his locker, where Kuroki and Togano were peeling off their training garments. They looked up in surprise when they saw their friend standing there, already showered.

 

“What happened, Kazu?” Kuroki inquired softly, trying not to get too much attention from the rest of the team.

 

Juumonji shrugged and began dressing himself, “I felt like I was sufficiently stretched so I went on ahead to change already.” In truth he wasn’t sure what had happened before and wanted desperately to put it behind him and go home already.

 

His friends didn’t say anything, but continued to silently undress and gather their washing supplies. Juumonji sat down on the benches and leaned against his locker, intending on waiting for Kuroki and Togano. He closed his eyes to the locker room’s bright glare and tried to drown out the chatter that was always present at the end of the day. His senses still felt a little too crowded for his liking, but it was better than before.

 

When he felt a touch to his shoulder, the blond lineman opened his eyes and looked up at his two friends. They were dressed in their casual clothes already.

 

“What about shower?” he asked, disorientated.

 

Kuroki and Togano shared that glance again – the one that made him feel like he was being left out on an inside joke, before Togano murmured, “The fighting yesterday didn’t help, huh.” It wasn’t a question, not really.

 

Feeling completely out of the loop Juumonji stood up hastily, gathering his schoolbag, “Of course it did. I slept better than I have in…” weeks? Months? “…a long while.”

 

Kuroki huffed out a loud breath that was nearly lost in the chit-chat of their team. “Kazu, let’s just go. If you want to go out for a fight tonight we better make it quick and hope no one catches us.” He took his schoolbag and was walking to the exit before the other two could even register his words.

 

Being outside cleared Juumonji’s head enough to notice how Kuroki’s long hair was still wet at some parts. He instantly felt embarrassed at having been so inattentive before. It wasn’t normal for him to be so distracted.

 

Something pulled him backwards and he almost stumbled down, if it weren’t for the strong grip holding him. Kuroki and Togano looked back at him and one look at his friends’ faces told him who it was behind him.

 

“You’ve got a lot of nerve, fucking ha-ha brother.” Hiruma didn’t sound too upset though. If anything, his voice was completely blank. He let go of Juumonji’s shirt and the teen turned to face his captain, who stared at his lineman with an expectant look.

 

Juumonji almost thought of justifying himself, but remembered this was Hiruma he was talking to, and dismissed that. Instead he said, “Sorry, I’ll try better next time.”

 

Something weird passed over his captain’s face then and Juumonji felt, for the first time in weeks, something akin to fear shoot through his core. Hiruma didn’t look angry, for once, or ecstatic because of a good game. He looked utterly and completely puzzled. Like whenever he was trying to figure out a strong rival’s strategy.

 

Hiruma _never_ looked like this outside of a game.

 

Juumonji felt his heart pounding madly when he saw the quarterback finally open his mouth, eyes still staring at the lineman like a question needing an answer, “Tomorrow. You’re staying after hours to clean up the spikes and helmets.” And just like that Hiruma turned on his heel and went back into the clubroom, leaving the three friends looking shell shocked.

 

“Did that just happen?” Kuroki asked breathlessly from somewhere behind him, seemingly as dazed at their captain’s behaviour as his blond friends.

 

“I’m… I’m not sure,” Juumonji answered truthfully, feeling very weird all of a sudden. He turned back to his friends and started walking away, the other two following next to him.

 

Togano nudged him lightly in the ribs, snapping him out of his reverie, “Hey, we’re gonna help you out tomorrow, don’t look so dejected. Were you seriously thinking we’d leave you there with that demon? Alone?”

 

Juumonji felt a small smile tug at his lips.

 

“But anyway,” Kuroki tried nonchalantly, “we have a gang to beat up. Think we can just sneak in and beat up Zokugaku?”

 

The idea of going up against Habashira’s gang was tempting, but after what had just transpired, Juumonji felt his initial excitement ebb away. “How about a rain check, guys? I’m really tired today.” He felt bad for flaking out on his best friends, but he honestly couldn’t find the energy inside him to go beat anyone up anymore. That little surge of fear he had felt earlier had seemed to zap what little motivation and energy he’d had.

 

“Oh,” was the brunet’s answer, “okay.”

 

And Juumonji felt like clawing his own eyes out at the deflated tone his friend had. An apology was on the tip of his tongue, but it felt like trying to vomit out a ball of lead, so he stayed silent, hoping his friends would pick up their normal chatting soon enough.

 

And they did. Trust Kuroki to always fill their silences with random chit-chat. Juumonji had never been so glad to have his best friends with him as he did now.

 

“Hey Kazu, maybe you’d like to have a sleepover with me and Kuroki some day?” Togano asked suddenly.

 

Juumonji blinked at that, but soon smiled warmly. “I’d like that, yeah.” Seeing his friends grin brightly at him he vowed to be a better friend from now on. He can pull himself together just fine, he can make the time and energy to be with his best friends.

 

151

 

Home was empty around this time as always. Juumonji went to sleep without even taking his school uniform off.


	3. How To Go To Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juumonji has troubles with the reality he's in.

**Tuesday**

 

Juumonji felt himself wake up from a dreamless sleep. Knowing he wasn’t going to go back to sleep anymore he opened his eyes and looked around blearily. The room was dark, but the light that came from his windows indicated it was either evening or very early in the morning.

 

He lay motionless in the bed for a while, body not cooperating with him. Eventually he managed to drag his hand under his pillow and locate his phone. Opening it his eyes started watering immediately from the glare of the phone.

 

03:37

 

Too early to even consider getting up. Still, the longer he stayed in bed the more his stomach complained about being hungry.

 

Oh yeah. He hadn’t eaten anything for dinner.

 

But the prospect of having to stand up, get dressed, go downstairs, put food on his plate and then chew it – it all seemed so daunting, so hard. Instead he rolled on his side and began wondering what today had in store for him. He had around four hours to kill before having to “wake up” anyway.

 

His thoughts drifted off to when he’d have to wake up, get dressed and leave for school. He would walk the way, looking at the cars passing him by, filled with children going to school and parents going to work. Day in and day out they would drive the same roads, go to same buildings, talk to same people, wonder about if they’d left their coffeemaker on and then ride back home once the day was done. It felt so mundane, so fucking normal that Juumonji almost felt sick for some reason.

 

He tried to force his thoughts in a new direction, but now that he’d acknowledged those thoughts, it was hard to ignore them. And the more he pondered on those thoughts the more he realized he didn’t want that kind of life for himself. The kind of life his father always tried to push on him.

 

The lineman entertained the thoughts of running away from home to live in a forest somewhere as a hermit, but that lost its appeal when he realized he couldn’t even muster up the energy to get up in mornings. At this rate he had no choice but to force himself to choose a nine-to-five job in a stuffy office room, next to people who did the exact same work as him, during the same hours, and talking about the same family problems.

 

Juumonji sat up in his bed to stretch his muscles more, leaning against the headrest when he realized he was too tired to keep his body upright with his own muscles. He felt some kind of weird sensation hit him in the chest then, a sensation he couldn’t for the life of him figure out. It felt like he was in a movie or a video game, and it coupled with the feeling of déjà vu for he remembered this is kind of what he felt yesterday at the training. The feeling of being a spectator outside of his own body.

 

The unrealness of it all hit him like a point blank bullet, startling him as he tried to gather his thoughts and _not_ go crazy all of a sudden. But it wasn’t working.

 

Truth was, he _was_ going crazy, he was _completely and utterly_ **_losing his mind right now._**

 

His hands shook and despite feeling it, he couldn’t think of those hands as his own anymore. It felt like he was floating somewhere outside of his own body, as if his body and soul had disconnected. It was fucking ridiculous, but Juumonji couldn’t for the life of him snap himself out of this situation.

 

_I am going to die._

 

Juumonji choked and, quivering from what kind of thoughts he’d just had, he flipped open his phone and called the first person on his call history ― Kuroki. It rung three times before a sleep heavy voice answered, “Yeah, what’s up?”

 

“Kuroki can you- will you- please just-“ his voice was cracking and he had no idea what exactly he needed, just that he needed help badly. How were his hands even holding his phone?

 

“What’s wrong Kazu?” Kuroki sounded confused but also more awake. “Hey man, what’s going on? You okay?”

 

Juumonji took a shivering breath and tried again. “Talk to me, Kuroki. Just- Like, please, tell me something.”

 

“Wha-? What do you want to talk about?”

 

“Something- Anything, I don’t care. Just talk about something.” He needed desperately some kind of normalcy back into his life.

 

Kuroki, bless those small moments whenever he was actually a thoughtful person, began talking about… something. Juumonji wasn’t sure what it exactly was but he was grateful to hear his friend’s voice on the other side of the line, words falling from the other’s lips faster than normal. It was soothing. It was normal. It was how Kuroki normally was.

 

After some time Juumonji finally sighed out in relief and stopped his friend, “Hey, it’s ok. I’m fine now.”

 

“Ok, but… what was that all about, Kazu?” Kuroki asked, voice soft from concern for once.

 

“Nothing… sorry, I just felt really weird all of a sudden. You helped. Thanks.” Juumonji didn’t know. He had no idea what the fuck had happened. He just knew that Kuroki had helped him not lose his mind right then and that was all he had wanted.

 

The line was silent for several beats, but Juumonji didn’t put his phone away, _couldn’t_ take the phone away from his ear, arm locked tightly in that position. Then he heard his friend query almost silently, “Wanna meet up?”

 

Lungs constricting almost painfully at the sudden stab of fondness he felt for his friend the blond nodded frantically, remembered Kuroki couldn’t see him, and breathed out an affirmative.

 

“I’ll be there in 15,” sounded the answer. “I’m gonna hang up now, okay?” Kuroki sounded unsure of this, as if asking for permission.

 

Not wanting to trouble his friend any further Juumonji agreed and they parted ways quickly but quietly.

 

Putting the phone down Juumonji only then realized he had wanted to keep on listening to Kuroki talk, but, unwilling to burden the other with his problems any longer he stood up to go wait for him downstairs. As soon as he stood up, though, he was hit by a sense of vertigo so strong he almost collapsed right then and there. His knees locked and prevented him from falling down, and after a while the dizziness faded away. He breathed in deeply, held it, exhaled. He repeated this several times until it felt like the weird moment from before was gone.

 

Thankfully he didn’t need to change his clothing since he still had on his school uniform from yesterday. Usually it made him angry at himself for not having enough energy to even change his clothes, but right then he was glad he hadn’t ― he didn’t think he would’ve been coordinated enough to maneuver a shirt on or off at this rate.

 

He walked downstairs to the kitchen, stomach growling since he’d forgotten to refuel it yesterday evening. He opened the fridge, checking around and saw the half-eaten sandwich from yesterday. Not feeling up to making anything else he took the small meal and started nibbling on it as he went to wait for his friend at the front step.

 

The sandwich tasted blander than anything else he had eaten in his entire life.

 

He didn’t know how long he waited, but he was still nibbling on his sandwich by the time he saw Kuroki turn around the corner and walk up to him. He ate the rest in a few bites and stood up to greet his friend.

 

Kuroki didn’t look tired to which Juumonji was quite surprised. He looked quite awake, as if Juumonji hadn’t just woken him 20 minutes ago. Now his friend’s eyebrow was raised, staring at his clothes.

 

“Did you sleep in those?” He asked simply, noticing the creases. At his friend’s nod Kuroki blinked a bit, before asking, “Wanna get some snacks?” The brunette motioned to his wallet. “My treat.”

 

Giving another wordless nod Juumonji followed his friend into a 24 hour convenience store. After acquiring their food they made their way to a playground they usually hung out at when it was late out.

 

Kuroki threw the blond his chips and energy drink and sat down on a swing, opening his own snacks. “So, wanna talk about it?” He prodded gently, not looking at Juumonji, for which the blond was grateful for – it didn’t feel like being put on the spot like this.

 

He sat down at the adjacent swing and opened his energy drink to soothe his dry throat. The taste of the drink was almost overwhelming, but certainly welcoming after that bland sandwich from before. “I don’t know,” he replied gently. “I woke up and- and I felt so weird… Like I was in a video game.”

 

Kuroki stared at him with wide eyes then, before grinning. “That sounds pretty cool actually. I’ve always wanted to feel what it was like being a game character. How was it?”

 

Juumonji felt a sardonic smile come on his face at his friend’s view of this, but answered truthfully, “It wasn’t as cool as you think it would be. I didn’t feel like I had any control over myself. It felt a little… suffocating, maybe?”

 

The two were silent for a while after that, in their own thoughts, before Juumonji finally thought to apologize to the brunette. “Hey, sorry for dragging you out of your bed at like 4 in the morning, man. I just called the first person on my call history and you happened to be it.”

 

Kuroki raised his hand, signaling it was fine. “Hey dude, it’s okay. There was no dragging involved on your part, I wanted to get up and meet you anyway. If I didn’t, you know I wouldn’t be here right now.” The brunet grinned harmlessly and Juumonji had to concede that he was right – Kuroki wouldn’t let himself be dragged around unless he wanted to.

 

Unless the person dragging was Hiruma. He was an exception. He was always an exception.

 

There was another bout of silence where the two ate their snacks in peace, enjoying the company. They kept staring at the brightening sky, swinging lazily on their swings.

 

A stab of nostalgia hit Juumonji when he remembered the way he, Toga and Kuroki had watched the stars back in America in the back of the Devil Bat truck after a day of hard training. It was a fond thought ― he really was grateful for his friends.

 

“So why were you sleeping in your school uniform?”

 

The older teen blinked, before realizing what the other was talking about. “I was too tired to change after training.” He offered casually, sipping his drink.

 

Kuroki gave a small laugh at that. “Jeez Kazu, you’ve become really lazy recently.”

 

It was a good-natured jab and had it been anyone else Juumonji would’ve felt annoyed. Because it was his friend, though, he laughed along with him, agreeing, “Yeah, I guess I have, huh?” He wasn’t bothered by it too much at the moment. It was funny in a way even. Being so lazy to not even change clothes. Who has ever heard of that? “At the rate I’m going, I might die from laziness.” That thought seemed so hilarious for some reason.

 

“Yeah, you’d die because breathing or something would become too bothersome for you.” Kuroki grinned.

 

The image struck him vividly and was enough to make him laugh even harder. What a fitting end that would be for him – dying because of laziness.

 

151

 

“Hey, it’s getting pretty late now and I'm tired of sitting around here. Wanna go to class?” Juumonji asked finally, standing up. His butt and legs were aching from sitting down in one spot for hours, but he didn’t regret a thing – talking with Kuroki had helped calm him down and get back a sense of normalcy he had lost before.

 

Kuroki stood up as well and stretched languidly, yawning. That reminded the blond that he’d interrupted his friend’s sleep before. “Hey, when did you go to sleep anyway?”

 

Kuroki opened an eye to stare at Juumonji questioningly. “About 1 am. Was busy beating someone in an online game.” He grinned. “I got so lucky in that game. I’m still surprised I managed to win.” He continued blathering on about the game, while Juumonji felt more and more awkward.

 

“Hey, sorry about that man.” Juumonji tried softly, guiltily.

 

Kuroki blinked, “Hey dude, don’t sweat it. We’ve been worse off, sleep wise. I’ve been sleeping more than ever actually.”

 

Juumonji still didn’t look exactly convinced, but let it drop. “I better go get my bag.” He said.

 

Kuroki nodded, “Gonna get my stuff as well, then. Won’t be going back to bed anymore anyway. Meet up at the usual place?”

 

The blond lineman nodded at that and they walked to their respective homes, getting their stuff. It took around 20 minutes for them both to meet up at the usual place, which was just an intersection, where their paths usually merged. Having texted Togano on their way, their third friend was slowly making his way towards them as well.

 

Togano yawned as he rubbed his eyes, walking up to his friends, “Why are you two up so early? Something happen?”

 

Kuroki shrugged. “Kazu couldn’t sleep so he woke me up to keep him company. We’ve been up since 4am.” Kuroki grinned, punching Juumonji in the shoulder jokingly. Recognizing the guilty look on his friend’s face, however, he added, “Dude, it’s fine!”

 

And that was the moment Juumonji finally decided to accept that it was fine, just because he’d known Kuroki for as long as he had and knew the other wasn’t really mad at him.

 

The walk to school was always relaxed and leisurely with the trio. They rarely cared about getting to class on time, and cared more about chatting on various topics and joking around. Still, they made it to their first subject without being late.

 

Juumonji had a good feeling about this day.

 

151

 

The good feeling lasted until Juumonji and his friends were making their way to the clubhouse for afternoon practice.

 

The way he’d felt yesterday was still at the forefront of his mind, the way the loud voices had irritated him to the point of insanity, the way his exhaustion had taken over every inch of his body in a way he hadn’t felt since America.

 

He could do without the team’s screaming and shouting for one day to be completely honest.

 

Still, he went and warmed his body up while jogging at the field with Kuroki and Togano. If his friends hadn’t been there, he probably wouldn’t have bothered going at all.

 

Juumonji got halfway through the training, when he remembered Hiruma’s weird behaviour from yesterday, and his eyes automatically dragged to his captain. His captain, _who was staring right back at him._

 

Juumonji snapped his gaze down at the ground, imagining the other must have been observing him for a while now. And yet, the usually violent blond wasn’t saying anything about the way Juumonji’s legs kept locking up every now and then, about the way the younger teen’s body wasn’t quite strong enough anymore to block Komusubi’s, Taki’s  – _anyone’s_ – attacks.

 

The lineman felt his face burn in embarrassment – he was so weak, he was so weak, he was so _weak_. Hiruma might have even been considering switching his regular position with someone else. Who wouldn’t have, when a lineman could no longer block anyone?

 

Juumonji tried to swallow down the bitter disappointment at the back of his throat, nausea growing at his own utter feebleness. He wanted to punch a wall. He wanted to punch himself. Maybe the pain would wake him up from this dream and everything would go back to the way it has always been.

 

 _What if it won’t work?_ His mind whispered from somewhere far away, _What if you will always be this lacking from now on?_ He almost swayed on his feet at those overwhelming thoughts. _Maybe this is what it feels like to have cancer…_

 

He’d heard cancer zapped people’s energy, taking away their vitality. Was that what was going on? Did he have cancer?

 

Juumonji smiled bitterly, it wouldn’t surprise him what with his rotten luck lately.

 

The blond teen stared at his teammates running drills and practicing lineman duties around him and he suddenly realized how absolutely meaningless this all was. Life was fucked up, and they were spending this part of their lives on a fucking _game_. They were playing around, not doing _anything._

 

It felt like a veil had been lifted from his mind. As if he hadn’t noticed how life really was before now, as if he was the only one on the team suddenly realizing this. Even Hiruma, their violent gun-loving captain, was participating in _games_.

 

No, even the rest of the world was participating in games. Though with different names, all that people ever did in this world was play games. Gamble on the stock market, compete to get into the best universities, play mind games with people to get what they wanted et cetera et cetera.

 

The nausea of _this_ reality hit him swiftly and he didn’t know what to do with himself anymore. Was he the only one who saw how pointless life suddenly seemed? Was this epiphany something that only a select few realized? It didn’t seem like others were crippled like he was of the worthlessness of life.

 

Someone was standing in front of him and Juumonji raised his eyes to stare his captain in the eye.

 

Hiruma’s voice sounded far away, despite his piercing green gaze, and Juumonji couldn’t for the life of him catch and arrange the words of his team mate into something coherent. He got the gist of it though and knew the only appropriate answer was an apology.

 

“Sorry.”

 

Hiruma didn’t say anything and Juumonji tried to gather his wits enough to continue with the rest of his training, but his heart wasn’t really in it. He had a weird feeling he was never going to enjoy football the same way he’d had up until now again. Or anything else for that matter.

 

Man, when had he become so bleak?

 

The rest of the practice went by in a haze deeper than normal.

 

Rather soon a whistle sounded to let people know the end of training. Most everyone sighed in relief and began to clean up the field after themselves. Laughter sounded from Taki and screaming from Monta as the two tried to compete with something or other. Mamori going around, handing everyone their water bottles. Kurita bellowing loudly to Komusubi about where they were going to eat today.

 

Juumonji’s eyes followed the scene lazily, as he dragged the football sleds to the clubroom with Togano. His mind was empty after the near breakdown he’d had in the middle of the practice, but he preferred it to the turmoil it’d been in earlier. This way he was just running on muscle memory.

 

When he’d gotten his share of the equipment back in the clubhouse, he was called over by Hiruma. Normally he would’ve dreaded a close encounter with his captain. Now his legs automatically took him to the faux blond with no protest from his mind.

 

He didn’t care.

 

“Don’t forget your punishment from yesterday,” Hiruma said, not even looking up from the notes he was examining in his hands.

 

Had Juumonji been in his right mind he would’ve thought it strange for Hiruma to say that. As it was he didn’t notice anything odd.

 

Juumonji grunted in reply and went inside the clubroom to change his clothes and shower before his punishment.

 

“Juumonji?”

 

“Hm?” Juumonji answered back before his mind could even recognize who it was that asked for him in the first place. He turned to face the person and immediately had to crane his head upwards at Kurita, who seemed to be fidgeting around uncomfortably. “What is it, Kurita-senpai?” Juumonji asked properly, mind clearing for a while, curious as to where this was going.

 

Kurita was staring weirdly at his face, before looking away again. “Well… I just wanted to ask if you’re alright, Juumonji-kun.”

 

Déjà-vu hit the blond again and he gave a quick once-over on the room to note that most of the team members were in the showers. Attention back on the older teen, he answered, “I’m fine, why?”

 

“It’s just…” Kurita seemed really concerned and it was touching, in a way, but at the moment Juumonji wasn’t looking to be pitied by his team. “You look like you haven’t slept right in a while… And you’ve gotten into a fight again… So I was thinking if you’d wanna come over to my place someday… if- if you can’t sleep well at your own place, I mean.”

 

This was bad. If Kurita became too concerned over him, it could compromise their next game.

 

“Kurita-senpai, thank you.” Juumonji gave a small smile and clapped heartily on the bigger guy’s arm. “I’ll keep it in mind, but at the moment I’m fine. We should be thinking more about our next game. Thank you for your concern, though. It means a lot.”

 

That seemed to satisfy the other, at least for now, as Kurita gave a relieved smile and skipped back to his own locker.

 

Juumonji felt a twinge of fondness for his older team mate. He was surrounded by really good friends.

 

“He’s right though, Kazu-chan. Even with the bruises on your face from those thugs on Sunday, it still seems like you haven’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks.” Kuroki said from behind him. “Have you looked yourself in the mirror lately? Like, really looked?”

 

“Not a problem you should be worrying over right now,” Juumonji muttered as he continued undressing himself.

 

He felt a hand clap on to his shoulder reassuringly, before hearing Togano, “Hey, we’re just concerned about you, as your friends. Just try and think if one of us were in the same position. You’d be worried as well.” The hand left his shoulder as Togano and Kuroki both went into the showers.

 

Juumonji stared after them, feeling like he was suddenly 50 years older. He slowly turned himself towards the mirror hanging on the nearest wall. It was hanging there for the team mates who were more in tune with fashion and appearances than him, but the blond lineman himself rarely used it for things more than checking if he had mud on his face.

 

The bruises on his face were already starting to heal and fade, the edges slightly yellow. And the blond teen didn’t have to search long to see why people had been more concerned for him than usual. Because, besides the bruises he was sporting, there were the beginnings of rather prominently dark bags underneath his eyes. They made him look like he was permanently tired.

 

Juumonji dragged his eyes away from the reflection and continued on to the showers. It was true he hadn’t been sleeping well lately, but to develop bags underneath his eyes? The contrast was that more apparent since his hair was pale blond.

 

This all made the lineman feel really self-conscious for the first time since he’d met Kuroki and Togano in middle-school. Why couldn’t life be still as simple as it was back then? Back when they just skipped school constantly and beat up gangs without a care in the world.

 

151

 

"Get out. I only need 1/3 of you ha-ha brothers here." Was what Hiruma said as soon as he walked in the meeting room, dragging behind a gun Juumonji couldn't for the life of him identify.

 

"Hey wait a sec," began Kuroki in a tone of voice that would no doubt get on Hiruma's nerves in the next 2.4 seconds.

 

A loud bang resounded in the room and it took Juumonji a while to realize Hiruma actually shot a bullet at Kuroki, grazed his hair, and hit the wall behind him. "Shut the fuck up. If you don't have shit to do you can go clean Cerberos' doghouse." The quarterback wasn't grinning - he was irritated.

 

"We don't mind," said Togano, because Kuroki had just recently become mute. "We can get shit done faster if we do it as a team anyway. So let us clean the gear too."

 

Their captain snorted. "Cute. But no. This is Juumonji's punishment. For you I can find something else to do once you're done with the doghouse."

 

Juumonji gave a withering glance at his friends to convey his thanks and also condolences. The two answered in kind before getting the cleaning supplies and leaving the clubroom.

 

 _And then there were two,_ Juumonji thought sardonically.

 

To prevent having his captain go off on him because of his slacking, Juumonji turned to go get his own cleaning equipment. A sharp whistle stopped him, though, and he glanced at the quarterback, who nonchalantly pointed to a bunch of supplies on the table.

 

Juumonji approached the pile of cleaning products and noticed a note next to it. He gave it a quick once-over, recognizing Mamori's handwriting. She had apparently taken out all these supplies and written instructions on how to clean each piece of gear. A cursory glance around the room also showed how the cleats and helmets were all sorted into two separate rows.

 

For a second Juumonji just stared at the gear, mystified. Did they really have that many team mates? Apparently so…

 

The blond placed the note in his pocket and started his cleaning from the hardest set – the cleats. There was a small toothbrush for cleaning the bottoms and a box where to scrub the dirt into. The top had to be cleaned with a rag and warm water, then towelled dry straight after.

 

As he began his work, Juumonji heard the click-clack of Hiruma's laptop, as the older teen began working on, no doubt, his next strategies. From time to time a small pop resounded in the room as the quarterback popped his chewing gum. The sounds weren't as distracting as one might've thought and, instead, helped Juumonji focus on the task at hand. At some point he noticed how they even kept his mind clear from his usual distracting thoughts.

 

The nice white noise in his brain let his body automatically work on the spikes. At times his brain switched back on to hear birds sing outside or a particularly strong pop from the quarterback, before being lulled back into blissful white noise.

 

He was done with scrubbing the dirt off the spikes faster than he could have imagined even. Next he just had to clean the tops with a wet rag. After filling a bucket with warm water and getting a rag and a towel, he started work on the second part of the shoes.

 

He got about halfway done with the spikes, before something cut through the white noise in his brain. Or actually, the lack of something.

 

The lack of noise coming from Hiruma.

 

Juumonji felt the hair on the back of his head stand on end as he finally realized he was being watched. He continued with his task, a thick layer of self-awareness on himself suddenly. The way he held the towel in his hands, the way he sat, the way he was _breathing_ even. It took everything in his power to not clutch the towel more firmly, to not straighten his pose, to make himself feel normal and insignificant in the eyes of Hiruma once again so that he’d fucking leave him _alone, please don’t say anything, don’t acknowledge me, I don't need this shit right now, I just want this day to get over._

But as the time went on Juumonji realized Hiruma wasn’t saying anything, wasn’t shooting at him. It felt surreal to be analysed by the demon of a quarterback, something he had never even thought of before. Was this how their opponents felt on the field whenever Hiruma was making up plans?

 

Still, Juumonji’s muscles refused to relax again, absolutely sure that any minute now, _any second now,_ his captain was going to chew him out and leave his bones for Cerberos to eat.

 

What was wrong with him?! He had thought he’d gotten over his fear of anything Hiruma could dish out. So why was he now feeling the creeping crawl of panic run down his spine every minute the other blond kept staring at him?

 

Was it because he wasn’t used to Hiruma being quiet?

 

Juumonji nearly wanted to snap at the other just so he’d stop being so weird, but his throat kept tightening whenever he thought of actually doing it. _Just complete this shit as quickly as you can,_ Juumonji finally thought, getting the cleats done and starting with the helmets.

 

It occurred to Juumonji some time later, when Hiruma was back to typing at his computer, that the other blond hadn’t taken the step, because he’d been waiting for Juumonji to take it. That was a weird thought to have, because the only reason Juumonji could imagine for it was that Hiruma was uncertain about something.

 

Huh…

 

151

 

Juumonji felt his legs waver once he finally got out of the clubhouse, muscles finally relaxing. He had no idea he’d been so tense inside, but now he was about ready to collapse right then and there. Being scrutinized by Hiruma was the most mentally – and physically – taxing thing he’d felt in a long while. And he regularly took part of Hiruma’s football practices!

 

One thing he was glad for, though – Hiruma hadn’t grilled him through at all. While it had been unnerving to be scrutinized so thoroughly, the blond devil hadn’t mentioned anything and it lifted a huge rock off of the lineman’s chest. At the same time, though, he almost felt disappointed. He couldn’t for the life of him figure out why though.

 

“Oi, you a’ight Juumonji?”  Togano asked from where he was crouched down at Cerberos’ doghouse. There was no sign of neither Cerberos nor Kuroki, but Juumonji could guess what happened.

 

“Yeah,” he sighed, leaning against the clubhouse’s wall. “Please tell me you’re nearly done.” He should help Toga clean. He should.

 

“Yeah, almost. That dog is nasty though. Has anyone ever cleaned its damn doghouse?”

 

Juumonji shrugged noncommittally. “Dunno. I can’t imagine Hiruma himself would ever do it though.” He should be more concerned about Hiruma hearing him from inside. He should.

 

Fucking hell, he’s _exhausted._ What a long day it’s been.

“I’m just glad he didn’t ask us to clean the dog itself,” Togano murmured, standing up with a finality that indicated he was done, stretching as he did so. “I’m gonna go put the cleaning shit away and we can go.”

 

“What about Kuroki?”

 

Togano’s brow furrowed in thought for a second, before he shrugged, “I’ll pull a Hiruma and call Cerberos for dinner.” He shared a grin with the other, before going inside the clubroom.

 

After filling Cerberos’ food bowl and using the special dog whistle Togano had acquired (“Dude, _how_ did you get that whistle?” “I asked Hiruma.” “...Fair enough.”), the two began walking away from there. Not a minute later Cerberos was dashing for his bowl.

 

Juumonji sent a text to Kuroki not long after.

 

_From: Kazuki_

_To: Kuroki_ _凸_ _(_ _｀_ _0_ _´_ _)_ _凸_ _  
Subject: Yo_

_Where are you?_

 

“Do you think Cerberos killed him?” Togano asked, entirely unconcerned for such a question.

 

 _From: Kuro_ _∠_ _(_ _ᐛ_ _」∠_ _)_ _＿_

 _To: Kazu-chan_ _凸_ _(-0-_ _メ_ _)  
Subject: Dead_

_pick me up at the river_ _ヾ_ _(_ _××_ _)_ _ﾂ_

“Probably. I’m hungry. Let’s go pick him up and then get junk from the store.”

 

Once the trio were back together they bought their junk food from the nearby convenience store and proceeded to gobble down on it. They split up soon after, all tired from their respective chores today, especially Kuroki.

 

At home Juumonji remembered to change his clothes before going to bed this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The phonecall sequence is based on something that happened between me and my best friend a while back.
> 
> I have this headcanon that while Togano is afraid of Hiruma just as much as everyone else, he doesn't hesitate in asking about specific things from him - hence the dog whistle. Juumonji doesn't do it often, but he too can sometimes ask Hiruma stuff without dying. 
> 
> Kuroki... puts his foot in his mouth each time he opens his mouth so he can never have a "decent" convo with Hiruma without ending up half-dead by the end of the day.
> 
> Also, comments really inspire me to write more, so thank you if you decided to do just that :) Have a lovely day!


End file.
